Terrible Thought
by Anne Bowman
Summary: Someone wants what they can't have. What else is new?


AN: The song is Terrible Thought, by Poe. I don't own that, nor do I own the characters that are never actually mentioned by name in this story. :)

_A terrible thought has moved into my mind  
Like an unwanted room-mate drunk on wine  
It feeds on my happiness won't pay the rent  
I must take proper measures to evict it_

It's the way her hair falls across the back of her neck after she's pulled it up into an absurdly high knot. It's the way she can stare out the window for hours without moving. It's the way she just smiles and rolls her eyes when you say something goofy to make her laugh. It's the way she listens to you as if she's expecting you to say something important that will change her life, or yours, even if you're just telling her about your earth-shattering discovery that the inside of an orange peel tastes really gross. It's the way she dances with herself, eyes closed, to the music we're all playing just for her. But mostly, it's the way her hair falls across the back of her neck...

_A terrible thought has moved into my mind  
A giant rat that's nibbling on my pride  
It's tearing away my patience and my wit  
I must take proper measures, set a trap for it_

I can tell she's lonely. I can see it in the way she fakes it every day, like she thinks she has to convince everyone she's really content. I can hear it in her voice, which has changed recently; it's become harder, more tired, but it's still my favorite sound. I can catch her sometimes off-guard with a joke, and she'll abruptly stop laughing right after she starts, like she feels guilty for letting her feelings be that transparent for three seconds. I can feel her entire life up til now pulsing through her veins every time she casually brushes my hand to let me know she's really listening to what I have to say. I can see she hasn't a clue about the way I feel. I can tell she's lonely...

_I must stay calm, you know, and I must be clear  
It's gonna take a hundred thoughts to make this one disappear  
A train like that could travel a soul for years  
A terrible thought could have a terribly long career_

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let myself fall right into this trap, where the dream that consumes me is impossible to achieve in reality? Why do I make lists of all the reasons why I feel the way I shouldn't? Why do I keep watching her, noticing the little things, even though I know nothing can ever happen between us? Why does it have to be so difficult to surrender the idea that this is possible? Why can't I just be happy with a daydream of what might happen if this were a different world and we weren't who we are? Why can't I stop thinking about her, and that mysterious flash of despair between a pensive stare and a weak smile? Why do I do this to myself?

_What a terrible thought  
I don't care what you've done, I don't care who you've won  
I know in the end you'll have your fun  
But you can't have it here, I won't let you steer  
You know I don't want you in my mind_

She would never love me. She doesn't notice the attention I pay her, or if she does she ignores it because she knows as well as I do what would happen if I ever got what I wanted. She would smile if I tried to tell her, widening her eyes and cocking her head patiently, waiting for me to say something that could drag us all screaming from these ruts we've worn ourselves into. She would laugh if I told her. She wouldn't laugh meanly, but gently. She would tell me what I already know, that it can't possibly be, that it shouldn't be. She'd say that what I'm feeling isn't love but infatuation, the result of being cramped together in such a small space for so long. She would assure me nothing had to change after my embarrassing admission of one-sided faux love. She would never love me...

_What minds have you shredded?  
I bet they regretted having ever thought you up  
Just look at you shine, commiting your crimes  
You know I don't want you in my mind_

Sometimes I think she already knows. Sometimes I can feel the words pushing themselves up through my throat. Sometimes I don't want to choke them away. Sometimes I try to let her know without words; meaningful glances, small touches, trying to coax a reluctant smile from the sad scowl of introspection. Sometimes I can't even look at her. Sometimes I wonder if she feels anything at all toward me but a friendly bond. Sometimes I wonder if she notices how hard I try. Sometimes I see something encouraging in a genuine laugh that makes me want to try harder. Sometimes I think she already knows...

_'Cause you're breaking my stride  
You poisonous vine, you're strangling me inside  
you're breaking my stride, you poisonous vine  
You're strangling me inside, you're breaking my stride_

It's almost like a disease. I can see that it's a terrible idea, but it's impossible to concentrate on anything else but the possibility that it isn't. Why is it that she's all I can think about? She has become something larger than life in my mind, this complex mass of frayed nerves, late nights, guilty smiles, dangerous glances, accidental touches. Sometimes I wonder what it was that made me let myself fall for someone I could never, ever allow to know about my feelings, whether it was mere infatuation or something more serious. 

And I think it was the way her hair falls across the back of her neck.

_What a terrible thought..._


End file.
